bees

So.

Lemme just start by playing the blame game with why I don't EVER post on here. The latest blame of it all? I don't have a computer.

It is unbearably almost IMPOSSIBLE to post on a phone. Also, the job stopped sending internet services to the house, so I cannot use the office there. So since I don't have a pooter for my pleasure, I have to wait until I go to my parents to "help" pack up the crap that is in the house and pretend that I alone am the holder of the Mac and the endless wifi.

Amazing.

I may or may not be listening to Sarah McLachlan while writing this. There is a fine line between what I label as "mom music" and "lesbian music". She crosses waaay too much. But hey, she reminds me of the sister, so what can I do? Also, Ang loves the lesbo artists, which is strange, but great at the same time.

So I guess it is story time. I will start with my most painful one. There I was, at the after school program, pretending that I know how to garden for a class. Well, I left the most important thing at my house (the seeds) so I just made the kiddies go outside in the sun so I could try to get some sort of vitamin D in my body. Well, I decided to sit in the grass when it felt like I was sitting in a patch of stinging nettle. Seriously, my butt has not been in that much pain since I was hit by the leprechaun last St. Patty's Day. I couldn't find where it came from, until I moved over a bit.

In the grass, I found a bee.

Yes, a bee was able to sting my butt through two layers of clothing. What the crap.

So I hobbled into the school to figure out what to do. I told the secretary that I was stung and I didn't know what to do. Also, at this point, I was crying. Go me. So she helped make me some weird mixture of baking soda and water so I could put the paste on my derriere to suck out....the evil of bees out of me. Worst experience ever. Just don't try to imagine me crying in the bathroom trying to put paste on my butt. Then one of the kids was like, "Why don't you call your mom, Miss Waterfall?" That made me bawl because I realized that
A: I have never been stung before
B: No one can help me right now because, oh I was just stung on my butt
C: You are never too old for mom's wisdom of what to do when things happen
D: I still need my mom for emotional times like this.
E: All of the above

I called the Nimmer, she told me to put mud on it (yeah right) then go to the ER immediately if my throat closed up. Awesome.

I survived that.

White Fur

Story time.

I have been dying to tell EVERYONE I KNOW about this story. One of the creepiest moments of my life for sure.

Now I know you are all dying from the suspense. I am sure a few of you are crying and at least one of you are shouting at the computer "WHY OH WHY, CHELSEA, WILL YOU NOT TELL US THE STORY ALREADY?!" To actually tell the story though, I need to start with another story.

This week has been...intense, to say the least. Pretty much I have worked nonstop and really haven't had a break from either job. The busiest day was Wednesday. One of my clients had to have surgery, so I was to spend the day at the hospital with her. The previous day before this (that means Tuesday) everyone was just out of control and I even had to pull out the "mom voice." Lemme tell you about how terrifying my mom voice is. It is so scary that even I shut up after using it. I had to use it on my clients and no one talked for the rest of the night. So pretty much, I didn't sleep at all before surgery. So, with only a handful of sleep hours in me, I headed up to the hospital with the lady. She checked in, was wheeled away, and then I started freaking out. I think the reason why I was freaking out so much was

A: Dorothy has no family to help out whatsoever, so I kept on thinking about how horrible it would be to be all alone with horrible medical things like this

B: Surgery in general. Duh.

C: There was a freaking child in a cage that was being wheeled into the OR. It looked like it was part of a zoo exhibit and it was about to be tortured. That really screwed with me. I then went into anxiety mode and was thinking "I can never have kids" just because of the scrazy cage/gurney thing. Horrible.

So surgery took about two hours, then it was off to her room and nap and just chill with her while she was in recovery mode. Well, I spent a good 14 hours there with her and then I realized that there are seven other women that might need my attention. So I sadly left her at the hospital and went home to where "fun times" were happening.

Fortunately for me, fun times ended before I got there. Unfortunately, two other women were feeling extremely ill, so we made the trip to the ER. Grossest ER experience of my life. Near the end, there was a lady who was hacking up the nastiest sounds ever imagined. When I get tired and don't sleep well, I become nauseous. In fact, I am usually just nauseous all the time. It's just weird. Well, I was pale the whole time and then I almost lost it completely when one of the people accompanying the lady there shouted, "NO I DON'T WANT TO SEE BLOOD IN YOUR VOMIT RIGHT NOW." I quietly ran out of the ER and waited for the ladies to finish up.

Anyways, this week has just been eventful. That being said, I have been stressed like no other. I have not been eating well (crazy bread for any occasion is not the smartest idea I have had) and all my muscles are sore, sore, sore. So I went to visit my aunt and mother at the ADA convention...thing, and there were free foot massages at one of the booths. I was thinking, "Oh hey, my feet aren't too gross today. I might as well get one." Well, I get the creep in the wheelchair and my friend gets the gorgeous Tongan guy. So the poor guy is making me almost cry because he decides to massage my lower calves which are tighter than no other, and we try to have some convo about the essential oils that they were selling. So there I am, with my foot being rubbed and whatnot, and I am saying how I had no clue oils can help with any ailment. He then says this

"Yeah, they can help with muscle pain, clear up acne, and forgive me if this is too forward, can help with sexual mood and pleasure."

What. The. Hell.

Then he keeps on going about how wine and rose petals are great, but there are just some great smells and how he recommends this one called "White Fur" and is trying to find it for me to smell. Mind you, he is still touching my feet and it is on his thigh and whatnot and all I want to do is kick him away and run.

But I was too comfortable to leave, so I just waited until my time was over. However, I would not look him in the eye for the rest of the time.

Cheers.

Ch.Wa.

Oh hello there. Happy V day To you lovers out there. I will admit, today has been a pretty fantastic day so far. Lemme tell you ALL about it (because, this is my blog and I can talk about anything I want...or what my grandparents will find agreeable. So no obscene stories today.)

First off, work is crazy right now. What with a full moon last week, everyone has just been out of control. That, and I am preeeetty positive that everyone was PMSing to the extreme. Woof. It is getting much better now, though, even though some people insist that they need to buy a gallon of milk a day. I don't even have a gallon of milk. It's like, share the love of the milk. No one does though.

Oh, woe is me there.

No, but life is going well. One of the clients insists on waking up at four thirty in the morn' and turn on the tele which is right by my bedroom wall. Needless to say, I am so so tired.

So today is valentines. I have actually been looking forward to it this year, which is a little strange to Cold Heart Chelsea, but I just cannot resist making valentines cards. I mean, I love writing cards as it is and with the opportunity for me to bring the cheese monster out I have been all over this. He kids are getting sick of making cards, though. Bummer, for sure.

So today, to celebrate the day of love, I found some GREAT Lord of the Rings and Star Wars cards and have been sending them like crazy. I woke up at a Godforsaken hour, fell asleep in a meeting, and did some awesome paperwork. Did some dancing in the car (this is most definitely the month of George Michael) and was denied to donate blood until Thursday. So now I am using and abusing he wifi at Barnes and Noble and trying not to get too distracted by some lady teasing about how some quiche having 38 grams of fat and some awesome book on the wildlife of Star Wars. I am definite dating material, for sure.

I have been thinking a lot lately (like that is something new) and I have been thinking of all the good people I have in my life. You see, you don't need a lover to celebrate today; just think of all he love that you have from everyone around you! My awesome family, my incredible friends, even the kiddies and the women send me love. I love getting to think about how many good people are in my life and that they want to be in it. Life is just great right now. Olive (fancy way of saying I love) the person I am becoming and even though life is tiring and halfway miserable, I am still for sure enjoying the ride.

So to all of you out there, I send you a most sincere happy valentines day. Thank you for all of you for being wonderful people in this crazy world. Keep up the wonderful job and I hope that you will feel some love come your way.

Now I have to look at that Star Wars book. Hopefully there is an illustrated copy of some lord of the Rings.....so precioussssssssss.

Cheers

Ch.Wa.

Rocks

Oh hey, guess what.

I went to New York. This happened, like, a million weeks ago. I was going to tell the world, but

A) I totally forgot about it until five days before we were leaving

and

B) I never update my blog on time. EVER.

So this is a nice treatsy for all of your eyes to see. Maybe you will even hear my sultry voice in your head (nice try, Waterfall. We all know you sound like a prepubescent boy.)

So my mom and I left on the 25Th of January to the city of dreams. I may be officially changing its slogan to that. Anywho, we left, we flew, we hit a ton of turbulence, and then we landed. Now, this was probably my...ninth time to the city of dreams, so I was just super excited for a low key trip. Well, it was low key but a hella good time too.

You see, my mom's best friend (and one of my fake mothers) was in New York the same time we were. So we all met up. Dana is seriously one of the most HILARIOUS people on this planet. I mean, what honest twenty-three year old would willingly spend their day with some pre-geriatric women in the city?

This twenty-three year old that has two thumbs would. And Did. And horribly ruined a joke.

**Sidenote, I was going to update some photos, but apparently my computer does not want to work. There will be some soon.

So some highlights from New York.

• Watching the Bachelor and giving commentary. Great time.
• Eating so much food. Coming from really only eating cheese cracker and peanut butter (you all can mock now, but it is delicious), to my mom buying food, it was HEAVEN. Pure heaven, I tell you.
• Seeing my amazing sister every day. I love that woman so much. From talking, to watching Portlandia, we had way too much fun. She even shared her food willingly.
• Going to The Lion King. Awesome costumes, awesome music, and just pure awesome...ness.
• Spending every day with my mom and Dana. Those two ladies know how to have a good time.

Yeah, horrible update for now, but I may promise to update more fully soon. With Pictures. And warm fuzzies.

Also, you get a nice picture of me with a valentine attached to this post. I am not smarter than the computer right now (let alone a fifth grader) so this will just be attached to tell you that it is February. Mazel Tov.

Cheers.

Ch.Wa.

Afternoon Delight

I love my car. She is great. She takes me everywhere and we always have a great time together.

However.

She is not registered right now. She is a fugitive in her own land. We are on the run together, illegally and trying to hid from the pigs. But, as in the words of Tom Petty, I feel like that "You don't have to live like a refugee." So we are working on getting her legal once again.

Two days ago, though, I was on the freeway, feeling the rebellion of our forbidden love. While driving, I saw a silver Volvo that looked like my aunt's. Looking closer at it, I noticed an Essential Preparedness Products. It was then I knew it was my aunt Jenny and I HAD to get her attention. So I got into the carpool lane and drove right up by her until she noticed me. It took awhile, though, so I was stuck in the carpool lane.

Well, a little trooper decided to come into that lane behind me. I was thinking (dude, you can't be in the carpool lane. You are driving solo.) I was also driving solo, but I feel like while having the Holy Ghost with me at all times, I feel that I have my 2 plus riders. So I got out of the lane, he did too, and WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO the lights went on. Great. He got into my window and we chit chatted about my car and how she is going to get fixed. I sweet talked him enough to get a warning. SWEET!

Next day:

Driving up in the good ol' North Ogden. I am driving way under the speed limit and then it happens...WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO. Oh no. I pull over, knowing what it is about. The officer comes in the window and then I notice that it is the notorious Officer Childs. Now, Childs NEVER lets you out of a ticket. Never. So I still try to sweet talk him and BAM! I get a ticket.

Whatever. It won't count on points. Plus, I can probably fight it.

LATER THAT NIGHT:

Driving through Bountiful with a friend, when all of the sudden, a car comes up behind me. I am thinking all "oh hey, this guy is just riding my butt being a jerk," when all of the sudden WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO.

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

I start talking to him, saying that I know what is going on and that I already received a citation. Well, he starts saying, "Well, you are still driving on the road. I mean, you shouldn't be on and blah, blah, blah." Then he starts questioning me making sure that the car is actually under my dad's name. He would not stop. It was horrible. So he went back to his car and BAM! he writes me up. I was livid. Composure was not holding me. I almost flipped out at him. It was horrible.

So I had an angry dance/cry/scream then went to bed. Today, I dropped my car off to trade with my mom (Again, I have the best mom ever. You all can start hating now.) So I super cleaned my girl up, took her to the wash, the works. I get into the parking lot to trade with the mother and I locked the keys in the car.

Seriously?!

Well, I am not freaking out at this point. I always have a spare with me. Uh, yeah, the spare was missing. So I drove home to see if we had one; yeah, we didn't. So yeah, great day with my babe.

So there you go, kiddies. Lesson learned here. Always make sure you have your registration up to date. Now I am off to go to the blessed land of Provo to have my interview for EFY. Woof. Hopefully I don't ruin those kiddies during the summer.

End of rants.

I'm Ron Burgandy. You stay classy, San Diego.

Cheers.

Ch.Wa.

"What I'm not looking for is some big overgrown monster that is always looking for food"

This is it. This is what I am ready for. No hamsters though, please

Cheers.

Ch.Wa.

SuperFreak

Oh hello, again.

It's a new year. In fact

it's the

LAST YEAR OF THIS PLANET'S LIFE!!!!!!!

It's all good though, guys. The Hobbit comes out a few days before it is all supposed to end. I will be a happy girl in oblivion. So take that, you ancient Mayans who believed that we are made out of corn.

I should make resolutions this year *(like, I don't know, maybe blog more)* but really, I am fine with making my mini goals that I always do. I mean, I already tried my resolutions and I failed miserably. Lemme tell you about this.

So my friend was talking about how she is going to work out every day for thirty days. Well, if she does this, then she is going to go to a day spa. Special treat for working your brains out -- no zombie puns, please. Since I usually just adopt what other people do or think are cool, I was like "oh sweet, Kaneez. I think I will do this too."

I lasted one day. Well, technically three days. You see, apparently my body doesn't have any vitamin D or iron in it. We are talking about my D levels are less than 50% of what they should be to be normally functioning. This leads to me being a sloth all day long. Forget about exercising, I am excited if I can drag myself to the restroom (no accidents so far--go me!) or even work. The kids make fun of me all the time--as do the clients--and I just yawn at them and try to sleep. Great defense mechanism it is.

So that is my resolutions for right now. Once I get my body all happy with me, then I will conquer all that there is with Jillian Michaels. OH, she will be the death of me for sure. I did one of her workouts when I was...I don't even know how to describe it....trying to impress my resolution (?) and let me tell you, it was the worst thing ever. First off, I love working out. When I do feel well, I try to be active because it's not too bad and I feel good. Well, I was at Target finding a cooler for a wedding gift, when I came across the "let's be amazing and work out" aisle. I was thinking, "Great, I can get some lime green free weights and feel AWESOME" when I came across the DVD's. Since it it freezing outside and I have horrible balance, it is best for me to stay inside. That saying, I wanted some good vids that I can just crawl out of bed and work out then proceed to crawl back into bed.

That made me sound like a really active person. I also imagined myself as the Grinch when he slithers around the Christmas tree sneaking the presents away. I do turn green and hairy when I work out.

So I am looking at all the videos, when I come across some Jillian Michaels stuff. That woman scares all that is unholy out of me. She makes me a sweet saint when I look at her. She is just terrifying. So I am thinking, "Great, she will scare the fat off of me. All I have to do is look at the case and burn fat." While thinking this though, I did actually look at the case. It is called

GET RIPPED IN 30 DAYS

Woah. Incredible. All I have to do is this workout for four weeks and be ripped just like her. Amazing. Awe inspiring. Worth buying. So I bought it with my cooler and weights. So so pumped to go home and try it out.

Uh, one of the hardest things I have done in a long, long time. Mind you, I really haven't "worked out" in a couple months so this 40 minute video of pure hell killed me. I wanted to die. I might have cried. I honestly don't remember what happened in that time or what even happened after. I was paralyzed. I couldn't move for the next three days. I never new the curve of my lower back could hurt so bad. I thought that was a perfected part of my body but noooo, Jillian proved me wrong there. So for the next few days after doing that video, I moaned and groaned trying to move like an old person. Even my mom made fun of me. It was bad news Bill for sure.

But I promise you all that I will start working out. It is good and it will *hopefully* help my energy level. So I guess it is a fake resolution.

Another resolution of mine is to read 52 books this year. So so so stoked for this one. Probably in the last eight months, I had read at least twenty-five books, so I feel this won't be too bad at all. I am already reading...four books right now. Scratch that, it may be five. So I feel like it will be GREAT.

Now here comes the funny of this post. A few weeks ago, one of my best friends and I were talking (more like me whining) about how I have no dating life whatsoever. I work with junior high kids and my women, I don't know anyone in my ward, and the grocery store creepin' isn't cutting out for me anymore. Well, she decided that we were going to go to her house and set me up an account on a dating site.

Uh, WHAT. THE. CRAP.

For some reason, so many people have told me to go online. I remember quite well when I called my mom about sheets or giving me food or something lame like that when she cut me off and said, "You know, Chelsea, why don't you try online dating?" Terrifying. I told her I would. I tried setting up an account then but I started crying, so I stopped. She isn't the only one though; friends, siblings, psychologists, doctors, children, random strangers, have told me to. I feel like I reek of desperation and loneliness.

Anyways, Steph suggested it to me that day.I was freaking out, but then again, I was bored and I love to write things about myself, so we set me one up. It was the weirdest thing. I still am dumbfounded of the weird things that we got (worst one was ldssingles.com. Yes, we tried a few. But really, who cares if I am temple worthy and how often I want to have some lovin' in a relationship? Creepy, creepy, creepy questions.) So we filled it out and I didn't think anything of it.

Well, not true. I thought about it a lot. I felt like the day when I found out I have an extra spleen in me. Just really weirded out and not comfortable at all. I had to tell people. I called my sister; she was ecstatic. I called my mom; I am sure she prayed thanks that night about it. I told Jeff and Mik...they made me look on the site again. I then realized that this is one of the creepiest things I have done. It's like a zoo of single people and you just look at each other. I am twenty-two, too young for this.

I am going to be twenty-three though. Woof. So honestly, it is just great entertainment to see what people write about themselves. The worst thing though? Winking. I hate winking. It is probably because I cannot wink myself, so I think it is just extra extra creepy. Well, if you are interested in someone, you "wink" at them.

Ugh, creepy. It makes me not want to look at you. And of course, I have some creeps that are doing just that. Well, one day, I was trying to be like "oh hey, I don't like you. Leave me alone." Problem was, I was trying to do this on my phone. So instead of showing my true intention, I accidentally hit "wink back" with my fat thumbs. Yeah, I am getting some emails now. Double woof.

I can't even read the emails, mind you. I have to pay the site to do that. So now I have a million emails and I probably look like I am trying to play hard to get, when really I am just freaked out of my mind.

So there is my dating life for you now. I have accidentally showed interest to some creeps and they are apparently loving it. Please bless I will run into someone while saving their dog or something (this has happened once...the saving part. Nothing happened though except that the dog and I were best friends for ten minutes.) Who knows what will happen though with all my....suitors and Jillian with me. I may just turn into corn.

Those Mayans may be right on everything.

Oh, and one of my clients wants me to be a Broadway star. So really we don't know what will happen to me this year.

Cheers.

Ch.Wa.