Both Sides Now

Guess who is sick again.
I will give you a hint. It's me.

Give up? Well, it is me that is sick. Oh joy, right?

I started feeling all weird on Friday. That weird "calm before the storm" type-thing. It was in the morning a bit, and a little more in the afternoon, but I just shook it off like it was no big deal.

I went to 4-H, and we were frosting cookies with me sitting closest to the frosting. I could not stand the smell worth anything. I just felt all nauseated and nasty, but I still played it off. Jess and I had been planning on getting Chinese food for the whole week, so I thought, "Hey, Chinese food isn't nauseating at all so I might as well risk it." When Jess and I eat, though, it is like we are going to die in a few hours, so we might as well eat all that we can. So we ordered a TON of food, the most noted thing being 20 crab ragoons. So we settled in, got our food, and started Harry Potter. So what was supposed to be a kick-butt evening turned quite sour in my gut. I wanted to get comfy, so I told Jess I was going home to get my jams on. She was fine with that, so I left to go home.

Driving home, I kept thinking "I feel like I want to throw up." I blamed it on the amount of food I ate--which could have fed a small village in Africa. I kept shaking it off, got gas, changed, and left for Layton. When I was at the street to turn to Jess', I had to call her to say that I needed to go home cause I felt sick. I think pulled over to almost hurl. Probably one of my classiest moments yet in my life. I drove home, sat on the floor, and felt dizzy to the 10th degree. Everything was spinning, I couldn't sit up, and my tum hated me.

To skip the gory details, I did accomplish what I felt like I was going to do all day. So here I am, on a Saturday, lounging/sleeping/eating a bit/nauseated/feeling well/nauseated once again/etc. It is quite frustrating to be sick once again, after a long couple weeks prior to this. Oh well, maybe it is my body just trying to cleanse itself or being pushed to its edge with stress. Interesting thought.

It hasn't been that bad of a couple weeks though. I felt better for a tiny bit, worked, worked, and worked once again. There were nights with good friends, temple visits, and a "trip" to Provo to see the BFFs. Plus, I got to get some quality Lord of the Rings time in, which is always a good thing for me.

Big moment of my life though:
While watching (more like trying to watch) the opening ceremonies for the Olympics, my favorite song was played. Yes, that song is by the beloved Joni Mitchell that is titled Both Sides Now. I almost cried while watching the performance that was set to her voice. This song is pure bliss to me. I listen to it at least once a day, and its words are embedded in my mind. So to hear that song last night played at union of many nations in the name of sports made my sick--quite literally--night.

All is well though. I will hopefully be better soon. Maybe I will even write a more fun post, eh?

Apparently, I am Canadian now.
Cheers.
Ch.Wa.

Hello and HAPPY FEBRUARY!

So I have been a big bum lately and have not written on my blog for

4 months

Yikes.

So sorry about that to everyone...that might read this? Yeah, it is probably just family, but still, you guys are important to me and I want to let you into my life. The end.

I guess it is time to talk about life now. Life, life, life...where to start?

Well, October and November are a blur. I have literally been sitting her for five minutes trying to think of what happened. Probably just work and school, work and school. Nothing too painful.

December was a great time. There were finals (I passed all my classes), buyback at the bookstore, and the holidays. It was so great to have Dave, Emily, Ang, and Greg come home for Christmas. I hadn't seen them since July, so it was amazing to have everyone home under the same roof. I'm a sucker when it comes to family. I truly have been blessed with my family--both immediate and extended. It was so nice to just sit with my brother and sisters, talking about life, laughing at memories, and being able to share each others' company. It is a neat thing to build loving relationships with family. You don't love them because you have to, you cherish every moment together, good or bad, and build each other up. I am so grateful for all they do for me and the love and support I receive from them.

This Christmas, I made everyone scarves for their gift. It was so fun to learn how to crochet! I felt all domestic and whatnot while making homemade crafts. They all turned out beautifully and it was a great way to show my love for everyone because of the time I spent making them.

January came, and quickly left it feels like. I still work at the bookstore, and I love it as much as I did when I started. I also started a new job at Central Davis Jr. High being a 4-H after school counselor. It has been so much fun working with my seven teenagers. They are a bunch of high energy kids, but they are all so great. We have a ton of fun with sports, crafts, and games. Last week it was my week to teach, so we went to a different country each day. In Kenya, we made African masks, Japan was for zen gardens, in Greece we made our own gods and goddesses, and in Mexico, we had a fiesta complete with a pinata. We ended the week coming back to the U.S. and did a service project from the Humanitarian Center. I feel it went quite well.

I am currently training for the Ogden half marathon on May 15th. I am so excited/nervous for this! It is so much fun seeing how much strength I really have and the endurance I can come up with. My training missed all last week though, due to a nasty cold/flu. Man, I haven't been down like this for a long, long time. I am finally recovering, though I still have the voice of a smoker.

Another thing that I am currently training for is to be a missionary for the church. I am extremely excited about this. It is still a thought in process, but my philosophy is if I decide to go, then I will go. If I feel it is not the right thing at this time, I still gained so much from preparing myself. It really has been a goal of mine to serve a mission. I remember including it in my "5 year plan" of life just in case. I think New York helped me with planning for this in a secret manner that God can use at times. From all our trials, there are blessings in store, no matter what. Working with the missionaries in my CT ward, I gained a love for the service of missionaries and a love for Preach My Gospel. I hope all works out for me to go. At this moment, it feels right, so hopefully it will all be good. Yay for starting my papers in a month!

So all is well in my life. Yes, it is busy and yes, it is interesting at times, but it is still good to me. I hope all are well and I promise to update more often!

Cheers.

Ch.Wa

The Wolves (Act I and Act II)

Hello.

So, my birthday is coming up. It is actually in pretty much seven days. Why am I telling you this? Well, I have been thinking a lot about my life, particularly this year. I have thought about the ups, the downs, the sorrows and joys, and all the things that I have particularly been blessed with. I have witnessed parts of heaven and traveled in the perils of Hell. Adding to this the picture that I am living my last days as a "teen", it is only appropriate to think if I have lived my life how I planned it to be.

Life is just interesting; it really seems like that is all it is. The course that we take with it is so diverse for all of us, but we all need that diverse drive in it. I still wonder to this day why I decided to move to New York and why did I nanny at that particular time in my life. I wouldn't change that experience for anything in the world, though I do wish it did not have to end so abruptly and painfully. In a sense, I needed that job in my life right then. If it weren't for it, I wouldn't have had the chance to build a relationship with my brother and my sister-in-law. I wouldn't have learned to depend on myself or depend on my Lord. I would have never made the friendships I did there or have people touch my life. I feel, though, that I would have never realized the opportunities I will have in this life and the personal priority shift that would take place in my heart. I never knew I could love so many people with so much force until I took care of those three girls. I will never forget the special relationship that I shared with Maddie; how she opened my eyes to what life is really about. I went into that job wanting things only for me, a selfish way but a practical one for a nineteen year old. I wanted a career, a busy life in a metropolis, living only for myself. I left though realizing that I want to give myself to others. I want a life full of love, full of passion for all things, and to really take care of others. I now can say that I do want a family one day, a rarity for me to say before. Without that job, I would have had to realize this later on with much more trial-and-error.

How I wish that I could say that all this learning came through the easy and joyful times in these past months. Most of the growing, like how growing likes to be done, came from pain, anguish, and hard times. I have never felt so alone in my life before; so deprived in all aspects of life. I was humiliated, belittled, and doubted countless times. A lot of times in that abyss, it was hard for me to remember that I had some kind of worth. The pain is still with me today, but it is recovering at the speed it needs to. It was hard to work so hard and so much and have no one see that, especially the person that you were trying to prove yourself to. They will never realize how much I cared about them, loved them, and took their thoughts before my own. I will admit that it is extremely painful to hear that someone you looked up to--be it in fear or any other circumstance--say that you aren't a good caregiver and that you don't want to be a mother or that you aren't even that material, when you had been taking care of their kids for six months. That cut deep like many things that happened there. But how could I have had some beautiful and amazing experiences without that pain? Things happen for a reason and I needed that test for my life. It did throw me back a bit with my self confidence and love, but it was needed.

With any hard time, there always is a bit of a silver lining. That came beautifully after my termination in New York. In fact, with me leaving that nanny job was a blessing in itself. My work and task was done for that time and it was time for me to move on with my life. How grateful I am that I got to move on to the next chapter of my life in the sweetest house in Darien, CT. The Lord is one mysterious man and he always makes things work out so beautifully. I left New York broken, in pain, and scared. I entered into the Winegar's house feeling warmth, love, compassion, and gratitude. I don't think I have ever been that appreciated in my life before. They really don't know what they have done for me. Chrysula was my aide in this turbulent time; she truly cared for me and saw my potential. I was home when I was with the Winegars. Everything worked out so perfectly and timely for everyone, but I will eternally be grateful for that chance I had with them. I cannot put in words how much I love that family. They saved me from myself, and helped me realize again who I really was. I want to be like them in all my doings in life. They touched me so much, how can I not try to touch others that way? I miss them terribly and long for the day to see them again. Coincidences like that just don't happen. I am truly blessed to have that "just happen" to me.

It has been almost three months since I have moved home from the East. It has been hard to adjust back to life. Depression was my friend for a time and life went on slowly. I am happy to report that I am much better than I was before. Jobs and friends have crept up on me and helped me open my heart to new horizons again. I do feel like I have changed a bit, that I still have some reservations about myself. I am in a much better place though than three months ago. Just me opening up like this about the pain I felt is a huge step. I know things happened for a reason and maybe that is to share them so I can lift others up.

I am so grateful for all I have. Life really has been good to me. I have the most amazing family and I miss them more than anything. If I could, I would jump on a plane right now to New York to see them, hug them, and tell them how much I love them. They have helped me through this time and have been an anchor in rough seas. I have the greatest friends anyone could ask for. They have been there for me, in the good times and the bad. I haven't been the best friend out there during this experience and I wish I could take some things back that I have done. If they could only know how much they mean to me, they would blush ten times over. My heart fills with much love and gratitude when I think of them and all they have done for me. Whether it be a lunch date, late night drive, or me tearing down the soiled walls of anguish, all those events were a blessing times over. I really don't know what I did to deserve the kindness that I have received. I hope they all know how appreciative I am for them.

I am so grateful for all of you out there. You all mean so much to me. I hope you can feel the love I possess for each of you. Thank you for being part of my twenty year span so far. May God bless us all with the knowledge to see all we have and the compassion to help others out there. I love you all and wish you the best.

That'll Be The Plan

Greetings from Darien!!!

Hello All! I have relocated on my journey of life for a while. My goodness, my gracious, a lot has happened in this past week of my life. A lot of bad, but a hundredfold of good. To let you in on some of it, I will give you some key pointers.

--First off, I was "let off" from my job in Harrison, NY.

--My mom was the one to call me, not my boss.

--Prayers were answered almost immediately.

--Saturday morning, I ran away with the aide of David, Emily, and a white mustang convertible. The great escape was planned out well.

Last week was brutal. It was hard and awkward. It was so worth it for this end result.

I am extremely blessed.

I am now living with the most amazing family in this entire universe in Darien, Connecticut. They have recently moved from the city (on Saturday, to be exact) and I have been helping Chrysula with her kids while the moving process is going on. We were both an answer to each other's prayers.

Emily works with Warren, the patriarch of the family. After I was fired, she had some chitchat time with both Warren and Chrysula. They were talking about how they were moving in that weekend to CT and how they were stressed with how they were going to move in, handle the kids, etc., etc. Well, I had just been let go literally hours before this. Emily told them about me, she told me about them, and we agreed that I would come to help them on Saturday. Jeannie wanted me to stay until the fifth for her "convenience", but I was a fired woman and she had no control. So I moved in with this new family.

Wow.

What.

A.

Difference.

There is so much love in this home. The spirit is so strong. For the first time in six months, I have actually felt like I matter to people. The Holy Ghost is a constant companion and feels the home with love and warmth. The kids are great. We have Ceci, who is six, Gigi who is five, Garret who is two and a half, and little Hugh who is five and a half months. It is great. These kids know so much and love so much. I see the light of Christ in all of them. They are so smart and make me feel so loved. Yes, at times it gets hectic. The craziness of this household is so different though. There is purpose in it. There is strong understanding of each other and it is a family, not a business. These kids are my number one priority, which surprised them. They are amazing and true angels in my eyes.

Chrysula is a saint above saints. I have never felt so much love geared towards me before. She is so generous and so thoughtful. She is the mom that I want to be. She truly cares about her kids and shows great love and affection towards each of them. She has taken care of me so well and always says kind, genuine things to me. I haven't heard so many positive things pointed at me for six months, I don't know what to do with myself. I often break down in tears daily, being so grateful for all the blessings in my life. I am truly blessed. Her and Warren have taken so much time in making sure I feel comfortable and at peace. They are truly disciples of Christ. I could never thank them enough for all that they have been doing for me. I honestly cannot describe in words how grateful I am. Thank you to both of them. I love them more then they will ever know.

My friend is taking the discussions right now. She came to church with me on Sunday and agreed to meet with the missionaries on Tuesday. The lesson went extremely well. She seems interested enough and I hope and pray that she felt the spirit. The gospel has brought me so much joy into my life; I hope that she will see that and let that joy encompass hers as well.

I really don't know what I did to deserve such fantastic treatment at the moment. I am a shell of myself right now. The last six months of my life have been brutal. My confidence has been tested and my self-image has been distorted. I truly felt like I lost who I once was. As Ether promises though, through God, weak things are made strong. It's interesting to think of that, because Tommy wrote me something very interesting on that subject with missionary work. He told me that the Lord breaks you down into the lowest of lows then builds you back up to what He wants you to be. I see that with myself right now. I suffered a lot, but I now see His hand even more in my life. Unfortunately this has made me an emotional wreck though crying at little things like people saying I am a help in their lives, to hearing my sister's voice for the first time in weeks.

I am blessed.

These past six months have been a monumental blessing in my life. I would never take back this experience. I have grown in ways unimaginable before and have learned so much about myself. I have learned to trust and rely on my Lord on an hour-by-hour basis and seeing his tender mercies in the depths of personal hell. I know that He has never left my side throughout this time and I am eternally grateful and endowed to Him. What a blessing it is to have the knowledge of the gospel in my life. I really would not have been able to make it through without it here. My testimony is so much stronger because of it and my life has been personally shaped for it. I love the Lord with all my being; he truly is my Savior. Look at all He has given me. He has given me times to draw closer to Him, to my family and friends. I have been made a servant to Him and I bestow all to His cause. I know He lives. I see His life in my everyday chores. He knows who I am and He truly cares for me and loves me for who I am. I am so grateful for my amazing parents. My hell, they have done the most amazing job at raising my siblings and myself. I would never trade my family in for anything. My mom and dad have never left my side. They truly are the most treasured people in my life.

I am so grateful for Dave and Ang. I have never had a better relationship with both of them before this time. To think that I didn't call them my best friends before this time breaks my heart. Dave is one of the most caring people. He really is just a softee under his "New Yorker" hide. He loves freely and works hard in life. Ang is an angel on earth. I have always been able to tell her everything and she is so selfless to me. Her letters always came at the right time in my life. I have the best family in the world!

I am so excited and grateful for Emily, who is joining our family in a little more than two weeks. She truly is what a woman should be: She is graceful, but strong. She is smart, beautiful, witty, and just great. I have loved the opportunity that I have had to spend time with her and build a bond while being out here in New York. She and Dave are Yin and Yang together. They balance each other so well. When I see them together, I see a bright future full of love and hope in their new life.

I am so grateful to have my friend Ashlee in my life. She has seen the darkest moments of my life and the brightest. She is the definition of what a best friend should be. She truly cares for me and for my life and I feel her love and cares for me. She has been here for me every step of the way and I am so grateful for all that she has done for me. God put us in each other's lives for a reason and our paths crossed too many times for it to be just "chance." She has an undying love and trust in God and has been an utmost example to me.

Cami and Chanel have helped me so much also on my path to...maturity I guess. They have been my friends for ten years of my life and I know that they will always be a part of it. Even though we don't talk as much as we have before, we know that we have each others' backs. They have been faithful letter writers. They made me feel loved in the mail system. I am so grateful to have that.

I am grateful for the Hymowitz family and for having the chance of serving them for the past six months. They have three beautiful girls that have bright futures ahead of them. I loved them with all my heart and learned to selflessly serve others, even when they didn't see what was being done. They taught me a lot about myself and what kind of person I want to be. Without them in my life, i would not be the person I am today. I love and miss Maddie. She was my best friend and loved me with so much heart. She is a great girl. I really hope that she will be able to rise above the earth. I want those girls to have what the world has to offer. They are good girls and I love and miss them.

My heart is full at this time. I cannot believe all that I have in my life. How many people can truly say that they know that they are a child of God, are loved by their family and friends, and has had a good life? I am so grateful for the chance that I have had to come out here. It truly has been amazing. God has blessed me much in my life. Words will never be able to express how I truly feel.

That is, until I write my book.

Life is good. Remember that. I love you all and hope all is going well.

Cheers.

Ch.Wa.

Skeleton Boy

I love weekends.

Oh wait, except this one.

Don't get me wrong, not all of it has been bad. Trust me. I like to make all situations into positive ones. This one has one great story though. You ready kiddies to hear a tale of tales? I call it.

To Boston; From Hell.

Oh. Get excited.

So for Memorial Day weekend, a girl that graduated a year before me (cute Sarah Bennion. We had Art History together. Really fun girl.) and I were planning on going to D.C. She emailed me that she didn't feel good about it though, so she was thinking of us going to Boston instead. Since I have already been to D.C. before, I was really excited to go to a new place that is home to baked beans, clam chowder, and parking cars in Harvard yard. So I rode the train up from Harrison, New York, to Hartford, Connecticut. It was about a two and a half hour train ride, but it was on a real train. It was pretty fun. I accidently stole the seat of a deaf man, and I felt pretty ridiculous. It is one thing when you steal from a healthy person, but when you steal from a disabled person that had a sign directly above the seat, yeah, you feel a bit sheepish after that.

When I arrived in Hartford, Sarah picked me up from the train station and showed me a bit around. We then went to Cosi to feed my starving belly, then got some Ben and Jerry's and walked up and down the street with all these fun little stores. It was really fun to talk to her. I saw her in February and we have been planning on visiting each other, but distance and time were in the way. It was great to talk about life and our little adventures we have had out here. We got home, she showed me the freaky basement (A Haunting in Connecticut has truly messed me up) then went up to see what there is to do in Boston. We both know it is a cool city, but we really didn't know what to do there. So we looked up stuff, decided on a few things to do, then went to bed.

Later that evening...

Poor little Madeline, one of the twins she nannys for, had a horrible ear infection during the night. She was howling and wailing in pain. I surprising wasn't phased by this and slept quite well. Poor Sarah, though, did not have the best sleep. She came in the room I was sleeping in and told me that she did not feel up to the trip to Boston. I told her that was totally fine, because it was. You never know what life is going to throw at you, so I was completely understanding. So she told me that a guy in her ward said that he would be fine taking me up to Boston. He is from the area (Hartford, not Boston) and was nice. I was thinking, "What the hell, I have nothing to lose," so I took up the offer. She drove me to his house, we talked to him for a couple of minutes, then we were on our way. He's twenty-three and likes music. I thought that would bridge some of the uneasiness.

Oh.

I was wrong.

I was polite and tried to make some conversation so the two hour trip to town wouldn't be that weird. He had other plans. Whenever I tried to start a conversation, he would quickly answer in the shortest amount of syllables, then silent up. I was figured a few things out then.

-He really didn't volunteer to take me.

-He didn't want to take me.

-He was not planning on having a good time.

Oh goody.

We finally got to Boston after a two-hour drive. He then asked me what I wanted to do. I didn't know; I don't know what is in Boston. He was not very helpful giving ideas. So all I could remember was the U.S.S. Constitution is harbored there and that it was fleet week. I said why don't we go down there. So he reluctently took me down there. It was a good half an hour--forty-five minute walk, and I tried some conversation again, only to be shut down. Wow. Fun time, let me tell you. I wanted to tell him so many times that we should just go back home, but then again, it was a freaking long drive there nad he went out of "his" way to drive me there. So I was just trying to make it a good experience. While walking to the boats, he asked me what I would do if the ship wasn't in. I told him that I would have honestly been fine and that weird things like that happen to me all the time, so it would just be another great story for me to tell. He was not impressed by that answer.

The boat. We found it. It wasn't gone. That is always a plus. Before the boat, there is a street called Chelsea ST. I was freaking out saying how that is my name and that that is just the most amazing thing. He didn't care at all, and seemed put off that I wanted to take a picture of it. So I didn't want to ask to get my picture taken under it. It would have been "too much" to ask of him. We got to the Constitution and come to find out, it is a wooden ship. It fought during the war of 1812 and the oak that made the sides was so strong, that whenever the Brits shot at it with their cannons, the balls would bounce right off. Pretty cool ship, if you ask me. Unfortunately there was a line, and pretty mediocre at that. He seemed put off by that, so I was like, hey, looking at the outside is fine with me. Fun right? Not really. We then saw the outside of a WW2 battleship. Ships amaze me. How they stay afloat and not rot out is incredible. They are huge and so heavy! There was this hilarious kid that was pretending to shoot one of the big missles at a ferry and I was just laughing hysterically. He, however, did not find it funny.

After looking at the boats, he was like, well it's one-thirty. Do you want to go eat? I was starving but I didn't want to make a big deal. So I said only if you are. We walked back into town and went by all these little restaurants. He then stopped, looked at me, and said "Well here you go. I'm not hungry so you pick something from here." I was overwhelmed! I honestly wanted some clam chowder, but I didn't want to feel like an idiot. so I just said that I wanted a diet coke. He seemed put off, then walked away. I was thinking to myself, what did I do to put you off so badly? We then proceeded to go to a bakery called Mike's Pastrys. Pretty amazing stuff. I bought some famous cannolis that had me stopped three times by people offering to steal them from me, so I thought that was pretty cool. We then walked through a farmer's market, then into some town square. I told him I wanted to buy a postcard for my cousin. Of course, he seemed turned off by that, so I felt rushed. After that, though, he made me watch some lame street performance. I was like, oh really now? So we stayed in the square for at least a half an hour, then started walking back to the station. I told him that I wanted to ride a train from Boston to home, but we sadly couldn't find the train station there. So I had to get in the car with him again. Of course, there was no talking, and I almost fell asleep at least twenty times. I felt like a fool.

In Hartford, I told him that he could just drop me off at the bus station so I could go home. I was exhausted, embarrassed, and felt like a total idiot. He dropped me off at the farthest end of the curb, and got on his phone and started making plans with a friend. In front of me. Nice, right? So I wanted to show that I was appreciated for him "wasting" his time, so I gave him a hundred, thinking that he would turn it down at least, so I could just give him a fifty, but all he did was look at it, said a fake thanks, then turned me out.

I've never been to a bus station in my life. So here I am, with my backpack filled with a box of tampons and a toothbrush, thinking, how do I get home? He left in a hurry so I had to try to figure this out. I caught a PeterPan bus filled with all these hardcore, street, people, and I am this little utah mormon girl, by myself with a box of tampons. What fun!

I made it safely to New Haven and made it on my train with, again, only thirty seconds to spare and made it home. Needless to say, spending eight hours with a complete stranger that doesn't give a damn about you is quite exhausting. Hopefully I will make another trip to Boston and actually have some real fun. So thanks, Tim, for nothing.

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