My birthday is in four days. (It's pretty much in three since it is ten o' clock, but I guess I will be literal still.)
So for the past few years, I have been kind of doing a "Oh hey, I love my year and all that I have" type deal. Since I have done this before, and since I want to, I am going to do just that.
I swear, every year that I write one of these things (IE birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Yom Kippur...) I always say that this has been the hardest year of my life. That makes more sense than not because it was the most recent. Sometimes I am a genius.
REALLY.
Honestly, though, this has been an incredibly hard year for me. I thought that I have been at the lowest points of Earth before this, but now that I have seen them I realized that I wasn't anywhere close to where I thought it was. We really don't need to dissect this past year month-by-month because those months are still coming along. Some of them are purely enjoyable; others, not so. But no matter what comes through them, there has always been something beautiful. I have found it so incredible that there is so much good when there is so much bad. It can even be the traffic light not turning red while you zoom through the intersection. It could be getting mail two days in a row. It could even be someone telling you that you are beautiful.
These good things are always sprinkled throughout the days. Sometimes, a whole day is just pure goodies. But on the normal days of life, these good things are like candle in the dark. Just incredible. They always come when you need them most; more likely than not, you don't even know you need them until they appear.
Anyways, I guess I can get off that tangent. Good intro of my I-Love-Life-And-All-That-Jazz. it is just weird this year to be "older". I know I am young. I am incredibly young (until a child is around me.) I just feel so...old though. Physically, yes where there is stress and buggers in life. But mostly mentally and emotionally. I don't know when it happened, but I really feel like an old soul. Now I may sound like I am bragging, but I promise you I am not. I think a lot of this has come from the past...geez, few years now with all the life "experience" I have gained. It is just weird sometimes to feel this feeling that you don't even know who you are year-wise.
Again, weird tangent. I am sure it will be useful in the whole of this.
Hopefully...
But back to this year. Since last September it has been such a ride. There really is no other way to describe it right now. I have been just through so many different situations and experiences that it is just weird to think that it all only happened in a year. A lot of it feels like it happened forever ago; some, feels like it happened yesterday. But I can assure you all that all that has happened has happened.
One thing that has felt like it never happened until conveniently now, was the mission. I have made amends to this. For a time, I lived vicariously through other girls. It helped immensely. I mean, the best decision that I have made since then was actually being okay that I wasn't going to go out again. When I finally was fine telling others, it was like the world was lifted off my shoulders. Now that the twenty-second is coming up again, though, I feel some sort of dread. I just don't want to deal with it and pretend it isn't coming up. Maybe, though, it is the best thing to think about it and how I have felt. Not being able to go out in the field when I was supposed truly broke my heart. Maybe the best way I can describe the feeling that I am having is that *scenario time* you just ended a great relationship on a bad note--friend, family, lover, pet--forever ago. You wiped your hands from it and just forgot about it. WELL you find out that you are actually going to have to run into them in the next few days. You try to think about how you will act, how they will act, the whole air of the scene, etc. It is almost like you are sitting near an edge that you are not comfortable with going to the actual edge for the fear of the fall. Yes, this is how I feel. I am sure that it will go smoothly, but there will still be pain. But almost every lesson learned in life has some sort of pain attached, right?
Right, Chelsea.
So yes, this is on my mind right now. In fact, everything from the past year is occupying my waking thoughts. I am really trying to find lessons I learned, achievements that were accomplished, life that was well lived. It has been hard. It has been painful. But like anything else in life, it has been good.
So Gratitude number one. I am honestly grateful that I *almost* served my mission. I kind of feel like the almost doesn't need to be included. I know that one of my biggest tasks that was accomplished was being able to do my work for myself. Having that when everything seemed to fall apart was the biggest strength that I had and have to this day. Being able to serve there when I was hopeless for the few months after made me realize that your mission can be anywhere. There have been some women that needed me to do their work for them and I was able to provide that. That was therapy in itself. That was the biggest tender mercy the Lord could ever give me.
Working with my girls while they prepared to go out was another way I served it. Because I was prepared enough to go out, I was able to help them go on without me. I still give them my love and support because I got to see how much they love the Lord and how much of a desire they had. It was just great. They got to learn how to do it with a badge on and I got to learn how to do it with the people around me.
Gratitude number two. I am grateful that I was able to catch my sickness before I left. In fact, some days I am grateful for my sickness in general. I hate it, I can admit that. The hate has come later than earlier on. In the beginnings, from it I learned acceptance, patience, and even peace. I was grateful for it. It helped me become a better person. In the door frame of the upcoming year, I don't share those feelings as much as before. I have learned that sometimes, it takes a while to figure out how to make yourself feel better. I have learned that so many things will make my life easier or harder in that day. It has been hard. Lately, I have almost felt like a kid thinking (and even saying) that all of this is stupid and it isn't fair and I don't like it. Well it's life. My favorite analogy to use with the women, with my 4H kids, and myself is this: we all have a bag that we are given. In this special bag, there is poo. Now everyone's bag isn't the same. Different things are with the poo, different quantities, what have you. But if you are able to see everyone's bags out in the open, you realize this: They all stink. No, your bag isn't the only one that stinks. In fact, once you realize that everyone has the same pain in different clothes, it makes living with others-and sometimes yourself-easier and more enjoyable. So yes, I am grateful for my bag. I am not grateful for the particular things in it, but hey, I am the only one who owns it so I might as well learn to love it. Or to live with it.
Maybe be mutual friends.
That leads to Gratitude number three. My...what should I call them, my "support group". Before all of this, I had a really hard time accepting help from people (granted I am still this way at times) When everything fell apart, I found out that I have some incredible people that helped me pick up the pieces of the mess. Daily I am still amazed at how many people have helped me. First shout is to my parents. Mom and Dad, you two are my rock down here. I don't know how or why I was put into your little family tree *the great Austin Accident I call myself at times* but I have not been out of awe for so long. I really don't know why you put up with me but I am eternally grateful that you have and still do. You have done so much...it's a miracle in my eyes. You have always been there to listen to me, to withstand my blowouts, to comfort me at my lowest times. You have also helped me to learn how to leave this and to become my own self. You are always there for me though, it really just blows my mind. I love talking to you every day, mom. I love having you as my friend...even when you call me and then you tell me you have to go right after. You always lift my spirits (or try to, which is an even more amazing feat) and you always take care of me. I hope and pray that I will be a mom like you. And dad, you are just....incredible. You have helped me the most through this. Our quiet time talks about life and all it offers has helped me. I hope that I can become as kind and caring as you are, which I am sure is impossible to reach. You have taught me so much about myself and what kind of person I need to be in society. You have also taught me to love others, mom, and the Lord. You are a man among men and I am so proud to have you as my dad.
Then there is Ang. Ang is my perfect sister and I don't mean that in an unkind way. I really think she is perfect. I can always count on her, as a friend, as a therapist, and most importantly, as a sister. You are so kind and caring. You always listen to me when I frantically need to talk to you. You love so well and so much. In fact, you are just like dad. I love it when I hear songs and I think about us trying to sing along (which we never can) and eating gross Mexican food. I love you to the moon and you have done so much for me.
Cami and Chanel, you are family so you get to join this. This year has been really neat because we all see so "grown up" now. You two have always been there for me and have always been lights in my darkness. From elementary to EFY, from our "road trip extravaganzee" to college life, both of you have been there for me. I have always been able to count on you and you honestly have never let me down. I am just so grateful for you both. I feel horrible putting you together. It's like making you wear matching outfits all over again.
Really, I have the most amazing family on this planet. I feel that they want me to become the best I can be ('cause I am in the army you know...) Then there are my friends, my angels on earth, that have been here. Yes, sometimes I am a nasty, nasty friend. Amazingly, though, you all still come to help me. Whenever I have needed one of you, you have been there. You all have come in amazing ways too; third grade, an answer to a prayer for a job, other's loss of family, Weber State, and worse than Weber is from singles wards. I don't know why I have been blessed with so many great friends because it shouldn't be fair for me.
Really though, all the people in my life; friends, family, lovers (only kidding) have been so incredible to me. You have all tried to help me on the path to enlightenment...or just being me and you all have accepted me for who I am. You accepted and helped me while I was getting ready for my mission--both times--and you help me with every day things that come in life. I have been blessed with too much. I have the best family, the best friends, the best support staff (Lord of the Rings and diet coke all the way) and I have the BEST everyone in my life. I wouldn't be the person I am if I didn't have all of you in my life. Like Paulo Coelho said in the Alchemist "We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey." I still don't realize this but I feel like you are all in the caravan as it is, so I will just be grateful that you are.
Gratitude four. To cut things short, I am grateful for life. Life is hard. Some days, it is almost unbearable. But even with that, life is magical. It is incredible. I will be the first one to admit that life sucks. It seem long and it's hard and not fair. But there is no denying that there is magic in it, that there is something more than we see. Like I said before, there is so much good that is sprinkled in the days. Sometimes, those good things don't seem to show up for a while, but even though they seem like they don't show up, they really are still there. I remember while I was still starting my job here, I hated being here. The women were mean, I didn't feel like I could do it, and all this other junk. Well, I started working on it and it still sucked. But one day when I came home from my other job, I noticed that the floor was vacuumed without me asking. The ones who hated me most actually did their chores while I was gone. I felt like I have never been so happy in my life before. Through all the times of stress, sadness, hurt, sickness, death there is always something good to help you lift up and be able to make it through that minute or hour or day. Again, with Paulo Coelho's words (I have his quotes by me...I didn't plan this, promise) "It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary."
Life is hard. I have had a rough time, I will admit. But so much good has been accomplished through it all. I have beat my own odds that I made for myself. I won't say that I wouldn't wish to change things. There is a million things that I would have changed if I could. I have realized though that I can't and so they are glorious milestones that I have passed to get to where I am right now. I am so happy to close up the end of this year and to "start" anew, to start refreshed, ready to seize what is to come. Yes, next year will be my "hardest year yet", but it will be okay because I have strength to endure it with the Lord, family, friends, new acquaintances, pets, lovers (only kidding), coworkers, clients, kids, Paulo Coelho, everyone.
But the most important one who will make sure it will be the best year yet?
Me.