The Wolves (Act I and Act II)

Hello.

So, my birthday is coming up. It is actually in pretty much seven days. Why am I telling you this? Well, I have been thinking a lot about my life, particularly this year. I have thought about the ups, the downs, the sorrows and joys, and all the things that I have particularly been blessed with. I have witnessed parts of heaven and traveled in the perils of Hell. Adding to this the picture that I am living my last days as a "teen", it is only appropriate to think if I have lived my life how I planned it to be.

Life is just interesting; it really seems like that is all it is. The course that we take with it is so diverse for all of us, but we all need that diverse drive in it. I still wonder to this day why I decided to move to New York and why did I nanny at that particular time in my life. I wouldn't change that experience for anything in the world, though I do wish it did not have to end so abruptly and painfully. In a sense, I needed that job in my life right then. If it weren't for it, I wouldn't have had the chance to build a relationship with my brother and my sister-in-law. I wouldn't have learned to depend on myself or depend on my Lord. I would have never made the friendships I did there or have people touch my life. I feel, though, that I would have never realized the opportunities I will have in this life and the personal priority shift that would take place in my heart. I never knew I could love so many people with so much force until I took care of those three girls. I will never forget the special relationship that I shared with Maddie; how she opened my eyes to what life is really about. I went into that job wanting things only for me, a selfish way but a practical one for a nineteen year old. I wanted a career, a busy life in a metropolis, living only for myself. I left though realizing that I want to give myself to others. I want a life full of love, full of passion for all things, and to really take care of others. I now can say that I do want a family one day, a rarity for me to say before. Without that job, I would have had to realize this later on with much more trial-and-error.

How I wish that I could say that all this learning came through the easy and joyful times in these past months. Most of the growing, like how growing likes to be done, came from pain, anguish, and hard times. I have never felt so alone in my life before; so deprived in all aspects of life. I was humiliated, belittled, and doubted countless times. A lot of times in that abyss, it was hard for me to remember that I had some kind of worth. The pain is still with me today, but it is recovering at the speed it needs to. It was hard to work so hard and so much and have no one see that, especially the person that you were trying to prove yourself to. They will never realize how much I cared about them, loved them, and took their thoughts before my own. I will admit that it is extremely painful to hear that someone you looked up to--be it in fear or any other circumstance--say that you aren't a good caregiver and that you don't want to be a mother or that you aren't even that material, when you had been taking care of their kids for six months. That cut deep like many things that happened there. But how could I have had some beautiful and amazing experiences without that pain? Things happen for a reason and I needed that test for my life. It did throw me back a bit with my self confidence and love, but it was needed.

With any hard time, there always is a bit of a silver lining. That came beautifully after my termination in New York. In fact, with me leaving that nanny job was a blessing in itself. My work and task was done for that time and it was time for me to move on with my life. How grateful I am that I got to move on to the next chapter of my life in the sweetest house in Darien, CT. The Lord is one mysterious man and he always makes things work out so beautifully. I left New York broken, in pain, and scared. I entered into the Winegar's house feeling warmth, love, compassion, and gratitude. I don't think I have ever been that appreciated in my life before. They really don't know what they have done for me. Chrysula was my aide in this turbulent time; she truly cared for me and saw my potential. I was home when I was with the Winegars. Everything worked out so perfectly and timely for everyone, but I will eternally be grateful for that chance I had with them. I cannot put in words how much I love that family. They saved me from myself, and helped me realize again who I really was. I want to be like them in all my doings in life. They touched me so much, how can I not try to touch others that way? I miss them terribly and long for the day to see them again. Coincidences like that just don't happen. I am truly blessed to have that "just happen" to me.

It has been almost three months since I have moved home from the East. It has been hard to adjust back to life. Depression was my friend for a time and life went on slowly. I am happy to report that I am much better than I was before. Jobs and friends have crept up on me and helped me open my heart to new horizons again. I do feel like I have changed a bit, that I still have some reservations about myself. I am in a much better place though than three months ago. Just me opening up like this about the pain I felt is a huge step. I know things happened for a reason and maybe that is to share them so I can lift others up.

I am so grateful for all I have. Life really has been good to me. I have the most amazing family and I miss them more than anything. If I could, I would jump on a plane right now to New York to see them, hug them, and tell them how much I love them. They have helped me through this time and have been an anchor in rough seas. I have the greatest friends anyone could ask for. They have been there for me, in the good times and the bad. I haven't been the best friend out there during this experience and I wish I could take some things back that I have done. If they could only know how much they mean to me, they would blush ten times over. My heart fills with much love and gratitude when I think of them and all they have done for me. Whether it be a lunch date, late night drive, or me tearing down the soiled walls of anguish, all those events were a blessing times over. I really don't know what I did to deserve the kindness that I have received. I hope they all know how appreciative I am for them.

I am so grateful for all of you out there. You all mean so much to me. I hope you can feel the love I possess for each of you. Thank you for being part of my twenty year span so far. May God bless us all with the knowledge to see all we have and the compassion to help others out there. I love you all and wish you the best.