Best for the Best

Hey, folks.

(or maybe more people read this besides my folks.)

 

 

I am writing a generic letter to y'all in the cyber world. I would love to write all of you in my life a personal letter (and I still may do this), but this may be easier for it will get the point across simpler with less postage.

 

So as you read this post, please imagine it that I have personally sent this post to you, with your name typed on the top.

 

 

My friend,

 

As I am approaching my year anniversary to my...life renewal, I have had a lot of thoughts and feelings going on in my little brain. Some are of fear, some are of hope, but most are of love.

 

You see, through this experience and the year that has been led from it, I have learned a lot of myself and a lot of people, and it has been the most positive experience yet of my little life. I will start with me, because let's all relish in the fact that I can actually be selfish in a good way.

 

I am a changed woman.

 

It really hurts and scares me to think about where I have come from in the past year. To be honest, I still cannot remember a bit of what has happened. The brain is an amazing organ and it's amazing how it realizes how important our survival is and that it allows ourselves to forget things that can be damaging to our existence. But I can say one thing that I have learned from all of this: My body, mind, and spirit are resilient. I am a strong person and so is the shell that vessels that very self. I never knew I had so much drive,and want, for life. Even when I thought I didn't (well, let's be dreary here, I knew I didn't want) to be here, my body and spirit had other thoughts. To this, I have never felt the gratitude that I have like I do now at this point in life.

 

I will never realize all the pain and worry that I have caused you.

 

I have never felt grief like I have thinking about what I have brought upon you.

 

I am so sorry.

 

The most incredible thing that I have learned from this experience is that the ones you love, and love you, will never leave your side. I am still in awe of all the support you have given me; listening to my fears, lifting up my hopes, sharing my dreams. I cannot believe that you have not left me.

 

I am trying to find a more poetic way of saying this, but all I can manage to say is this:

 

Thank you.

Thank you for never leaving my side.

Thank you for having the faith in me that I could not find.

Thank you for showing me how to love and to care.

Thank you for helping me live.

 

I am alive. I have a body of flesh and bone and I have a spirit that is only mine. Yes, I have had my dark times where I have tried to give up, but I guess there is something more in store for me.

 

And for that, I am grateful.

 

Ch.Wa



Lola

Remember how I have the best momma in the world?

Well, you better remember now. I know this is the very cliché post for Mother's Day, but really folks, I have been meaning to give a shout out to the best mama in the entire WORLD. That's right, folks, my mom is better than all of yours combined. We are all biased with our mamas, so I feel my bragging is a god-given right.

My mom is my best friend. Not many people can say that. Seriously though, I love hanging out with her. We talk daily and we talk about everything. My favorite times was when I lived in New York. Every morning, at nine o' clock, we would call each other and talk about our plans for the day. We still check in with our days, interesting things that are going on, and whine about our lives. It really is great. 

Nimmer is seriously one of the funniest people I know. Whether it's doing the camel dance (y'all are lucky you have never witnessed either of us doing it), telling jokes the wrong way, trying to figure out how to work the computer or texting (she is a texting genius now. The beginning was a little rocky), or just talking about life, she always brings a smile to my face and a laugh to my voice. We laugh constantly together and always have a great time.

 Really though, my mom is the strongest woman I have ever met. She is courageous and takes life as it is. Yes, she has her down moments, but she is always able to pick herself up and help others. She has taught me to take life in stride and continue going. She has helped all of us on our ways through life--especially mine. The past year has been hard for all of us, but she has been a beacon of hope and love in all our lives.

I am so grateful for for my mom's example and presence in my life. People compare me to her and I take it as the biggest compliment I could ever receive. She has always been by my side and has helped me through the rocky times and celebrated the good times. She has shown me how to be compassionate and to take care of others. She truly is the best mother anyone could ask for. I am amazed at her strength, beauty, poise, and commitment to life. I look up to her and she has never let me down. I can't wait to be a mother one day because I know I will carry the traits that she has with us kiddies.

Nimmer, I love you so much. Thank you for always being there for me. I know it's been rough and I have caused grief, but I am so grateful that you have picked me up and carried me to where I am now. You are amazing and wonderful. Thanks for being the best mom and my best friend. I love you to the moon and back.

Cheers
Ch.Wa

Joyful Girl

I do it for the joy it brings
Because I'm a joyful girl
Because the world owes me nothing
And we owe each other the world
I do it because it's the least I can do
I do it because I learned it from you
I do it just because I want to
Because I want to

Everything I do is judged
And they mostly get it wrong
But oh well
'Cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
And the woman who lives there can tell
The truth from the stuff that they say
And she looks me in the eye
And says would you prefer the easy way?
No, well o.k. then
Don't cry

And I wonder if everything I do
I do instead
Of something I want to do more
The question fills my head
I know that there's no grand plan here
This is just the way it goes
And when everything else seems unclear
I guess at least I know

I do it for the joy it brings... 

 I absolutely love this song. Ani DiFranco wrote this song about her mother. When you read the lyrics, you can most definitely tell the kind of woman she was and how well she raised her daughter to see the beauty of the world and to look at the world as a whole   This song always reminds me of my most favorite person. Their birthday is this week, so I wanted to give a shout out to her. This person is the most beautiful person in the entire world. This person is my sister.

  I am so lucky to have Ang as my sister. Even though we have an age difference between us, the years have brought us closer and closer. She really is the most incredible person I know. When I think of Ang, I feel a complete love for her. I feel no jealousy of her because I know that she is teaching me a wonderful path to persue.   We have some great memories: reading Scary Stories to Read in the Dark, having her lock me out of my room to play with my barbies (mind you, she was fifteen when she did this), going to Europe together and all of the...bonding time we had. Probably my favorite story about the trip was she was taking all the money that our mom was sending us so she could buy clothes. I pretty much starved on that trip because we did not buy any food. We also fought a lot. Still, it is one of my favorite memories spending that time together. 

 If you know Ang, you know that she has so many great qualities. She is driven, caring, and always there for anyone. She has helped me through hell and back. She makes me want to be a better person. I just can't even describe how much I love her. My heart feels full and I can't help but smile when I think of her.

  Ang, I love you so much. You are always there for me and I am eternally grateful for that. You have taught me how to be a better person and to strive to better myself each day. Like Ani says, I do it for the joy it brings, because I'm a joyful girl/I do it because it's the least I can do...I do it because I learned it from you. I know you will always be there for me and I hope you know that I will always return the favor and be there for you. You are going to be an excellent mother and I am so excited to see this new chapter in your life. You will never know how much you mean to me. Happy Birthday to the greatest person ever.    

  Cheers Ch.Wa

Famous Blue Raincoat

Yo yo, cyber world.

I have finally become ill. I thought that I could hide from being sick. I mean, all my coworkers have been sick at least once and since I did not contract what they have had, it made me feel like my immune system is invincible.

Boy was I wrong.

You see, I already have a pretty shotty immune system. Last time I was sick, I was extremely ill. I couldn't swallow, I couldn't breathe, and death seemed like a better option than having a sandpaper covered throat.

I never over exaggerate.

Really though, it was pure hell. Thank goodness I had strep because I was able to take the sweet, holy communion of science and those antibiotics worked their magic almost immediately.

So that ill time was in September. Still haunts me to this day.

I guess the symptoms started on Thursday. I started getting that tickling in the throat and I started freaking out. I wasn't freaking out enough to take some vitamin C or anything like that, though. So I tried to shove it off, but I knew the imminent disaster was about to happen.

So Friday, it was getting progressively worse. The sore throat started to happen and an awful cough was developing. Not a normal, "oh hey, I am just a cough." No, it is one that scrapes all your insides and sounds sooooooooo nasty. It hurts so bad.

Saturday was even worse. My throat was getting sorer and sorer. My lymph nodes started to swell and the cough was ripping me apart. Since I was working at UNI, I got to wear a super awesome face mask. Face masks are absolutely disgusting. I already feel like a walking germ when I am sick, but it is more apparent when you hack into the mask and feel all the grossness floating around.

I have turned into an amoeba.

So all this whining has led up to the current situation. Here I am, working at valley with my super awesome and ever so glamorous face mask. My clients keep on asking me what the hell is wrong with me, and I just try to explain that I don't want to get them sick.

*They don't share that concern towards me because I have been coughed and sneezed on way too many time. Gross, gross, gross.

All I want to do is pour wax or something like that down my throat so it is coated in something. I can't yawn, I can't laugh, I can't really even swallow. I have never wished I had strep so much in my life...except for the last time I had it.

Well, I guess that is the super duper up-to-date moment of my life. I guess I can fill y'all in with a nice chit chat of recent events.

My life is extremely boring. All I do is work or never leave my bed. I was talking to my trainer a few weeks ago about calorie intake (eating is an issue with me so I never get enough calories, which leads to me really not seeing results for kicking my ass every day. PS I don't have an eating disorder.) and he mentioned an amount I can have if I lived a sedentary life style. I just looked at him point blank and said, "I already do that because I never leave my bed." He looked back and said, "I already know that, that is why this is perfect for you." We had a jolly good laugh at that, then continued our session so I could go home and curl up under my down.

While in bed, I have found the joy of Netflix. I really have never been a fan of television (except for Degrassi. I love Degrassi more than Lucille 2....only kidding....kind of) and since we didn't know that we had cable, nothing really has gone down with that. But now, all these aimless opportunities of watching tv and movies is like manna to the hebrews. I can't stop watching EVERYTHING.

Biggest find was Breaking Bad. Pretty much love that show. It makes me want to google how to make meth, but I have a pretty good feeling that the government watches things like that. So now, I will never be able to be a chemistry teacher to gets lung cancer and starts making the purest meth on the planet...or something like that.

Boo hoo.

So that is fun. Occasionally I leave my room to be productive with, I don't know, going to work, maybe socializing with people, getting copious amounts of coffee, or going to the gym. Awesome Possum.

So after sitting on this post more and more, I am realizing this is the lamest post I have written yet. So I will write a haiku for you.

Tired of my mask
The germs are touching my face
At least it's not crabs.


I remember a time, a time far away
Where everything was bright and everything gay
But now as I sit, with a mask on my face
All I can want is some relieving grace

Oh viruses, viruses, why treat me this way!?
Can't you just leave instead of delay
your time with me, it hurts oh so much
It hurts in my lungs, it hurts to be touched

So please pass me by, like the angel of death
I'll smear young goat's blood in exchange for clean breath
Just leave me alone, your time is all done
Leave me alone to play with George Washington


Cheers.
Ch.Wa

Hysteric

Hello hello, ye old cyber world!

I love my mini vacas from the blog. False, I actually miss writing on my blog but laziness gets in the way of EVERYTHING so nothing much happens ever.

Seriously, though. I probably have the best relationship with my bed because I never leave it. It is always so good to me and music and cuddle times with Lucille 2 are always strong temptations that are almost impossible to leave.

Maybe I shouldn't give into temptations so easily. Guess that will be a goal in my life.

Goals:
1: Don't be tempted by my bed and lazy times.
2: Brush my hair every day.

Really though, goals are good. I think this is one of the first years where I have actually been keeping my goals/"resolutions" *Note leaving my bed is not a resolution of mine. I would break that in one day.

Ima gonna tell you some stories now about my life because it has been a million months since I have posted anything.

Some holidays have passed. I had the pleasure of working all three major holidays (IE Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve/Christmas, New Years Eve/New Years). I can honestly say that I absolutely loved working each holiday. I am pretty lucky that I absolutely love my jobs. Hell, I don't even really see them as jobs. I get all excited to leave my bed (amazing, I know!) and see my clients. I am learning to recognize good traits about myself, so I think it is good for me to note that I have a knack at genuinely caring about people. I feel true compassion for each of the people that I come in contact with. I don't know, I just receive warm fuzzies thinking about them and trying to better their days.

I have been on a new...awakening in life. I started a new journey to try to figure out who I am and what I want in my life. I have been in a rut for awhile and I am finally feeling better about myself and my situations, so I have been extremely gung-ho about tackling life. So with that in mind, I was able to make a list of what I want to happen in this year.

Goals/Resolutions

1: Read.
    I want to read everything in site. I am going to broaden my horizons and feast on philosophy, science, religion, and broaden my fiction. I want to read uplifting books that make me want to better myself and the ones around me.

2: Breathe
   I want to meditate and practice yoga each day. Waking up with a sun salutation and accepting myself for who I am at that moment is beneficial for my mind and soul. I am trying to practice mindfulness in my daily tasks around me. It has been very difficult, especially with my racing thoughts, but when I am able to accomplish it I feel so refreshed.

3: Respect my Body
    I haven't been that good to myself because...well, things got in the way. Life happens, and with that comes some hard times. I have decided that I am going to treat my body as the sacred vessel that it is. I have started exercising once again, and I love to see how strong I am. I swear I have some intense muscle strength and it is nice to know that I haven't lost that much mass in that area. I have started rowing (in the gym for now) and that is something that I absolutely love. I look forward to see that machine and I almost get giddy getting near it. I feel peace working on it and it helps calm my mind. It is my teenage crush, my puppy love, so to speak.
   I have also been trying to fuel my body with good things. All things that enter myself should be good. I also am starting to actually eat. I have a hard time remembering to eat so working up to planning what I am going to eat has been...an adventure, I guess. Still have a hard time giving up my Diet Coke (nirvana in a can), but that will come shortly.

4: Love
   I have never had a hard time feeling love and compassion for others. The most difficult thing is to accept those feelings from others and myself. I don't know why I have always been this way. Well, I do, but that is just some fun junk that is mine. All I know that this is my year to love freely and openly. I want people to feel that someone at that very moment has someone who cares and loves for them. I also want to be willing to allow people to enter my life.  We are all on this journey together, so we might as well treat ourselves with the love and respect that we deserve.

I know that this is my year. My body is buzzing with happiness and peace. I am ready to accept the things that need to be. Even if that means I have to leave my bed, I will do it.

Hopefully some things can be accomplished there. Permanent cuddle times.

Cheers.
Ch. Wa.